Many believe that putting themselves at the top of their to-do list is selfish. There's a lot of confusion around being selfish vs. practicing self-care, particularly with women. For many there is a belief that the two are one of the same, when in fact they are completely different acts.
Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines selfish as -
concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself; seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others.
The important part of that definition is, 'without regard for others.' Self-care is practiced in part, so that you are in a better place mentally, physically and spiritually to care for others. It's very simple; when the well is dry, it has no water to give. When you aren't regularly practicing self-care, you are inevitably left feeling drained and depleted; over-whelmed and impatient; exhausted and running on empty.
The pattern that so many women end up living in is go, go, go and do, do, do until they become so worn out that they end up sick. Their body literally unable to continue without rest. Or, they go and do and be counting down the days until they go on vacation. Because that is when they'll finally be able to, 'have some down time,' or, 'relax.'
Unfortunately, many women feel tremendous guilt when it comes to caring for or doing something for themselves. Add an already over-loaded schedule to that and it's easy to put self-care at the bottom of the list. Self-care is often seen as indulgent. The idea of indulging in oneself can leave many feeling guilty. When caring for yourself gets pushed down to the bottom of your list of priorities, it means that you are at the bottom of your list.
Everything of importance goes to the top of your list and gets put into your schedule, you deserve to be there too. When your well is full, it naturally overflows to those around you creating healthier, stronger relationships with everyone in your life.
This isn't something most women have been taught or learned through example. The majority of women I work with in my mentoring program have been raised to feel that it's selfish to care for oneself and our culture certainly doesn't dispute that belief. It's easy to believe that the more we do, the better we are. We want to seem as though we can handle it all. When the truth is, we can't. We can't, because it's not possible for the human mind, body or spirit to continuously go without a recharge.
If you have children, self-care becomes even more important. Not only will it make you a better mother, it also teaches your children the value and importance of self-care. Remember they're constantly watching you, learning how to be in the world. They also learn how to treat themselves based on what they see you doing.
Practicing self-care requires courage in the beginning and then continuous practice for maintenance.
Like most other things in life, the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Waiting for 'the right time' or 'enough money' to begin are excuses. Many women use these excuses to stay in their old familiar pattern of caring for everyone else first. The 'right time' to begin is today. If you're on a tight budget, there are lots of things you can do for free:
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Go for a walk
- Walking in nature is one of the best things you can do for yourself! It helps to clear your mind and improve your mood. Walking helps keep your heart healthy, strengthens your muscles, lowers your blood pressure and gives your energy a boost. And studies show that enjoying a walk in nature effectively reduces stress and depression.
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Head to your local library and read
- This free activity is a wonderful way to get away from it all and immerse yourself in a good book.
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Ensure you receive adequate sleep
- The amount and quality of sleep you receive is fundamental to filling your well. Your mind and body receive tremendous value when you make sleep a priority and get the amount of deep, restful sleep you need.
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Enjoy a candlelit bath
- Light some candles and infuse a bath with calming essential oils (try lavender, ylang ylang or chamomile), then let everyone in your home know that you're not to be interrupted during this time. This self-care act is not only free, it's also wonderfully relaxing.
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Color, doodle or draw
- All of these activities have been shown to be beneficial to your health and happiness.
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Write in a journal
- This is an easy, free way to help you reduce stress. As I always say, 'Journaling helps you to rid the mind of chatter and get to heart of the matter.'
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Put on some music and bust a move
- Dancing is a great way to reduce stress and tension while giving your body some feel good hormones, plus it's lots of fun!
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Be grateful
- Learning to live with gratitude is the single best gift you can give to yourself. It’s a free gift that keeps on giving! The more you practice gratitude, the more your appreciation multiples.
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Make time for play
- Most adults don't create time for play in their life because there's always something more practical or important to do. Everyone, regardless of age, needs time to let loose and have fun. Not sure how to bring this practice into your self-care regime? Check out this blog to learn more about the benefits of play and some suggestions to create more of it into your life.
If you have a bit more money in your budget, consider one (or more) of these:
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Go for a spa treatment
- Often one of the first things that's thought of when it comes to self-care; a manicure, pedicure or other spa treatment, can be a great way to pamper yourself.
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Enjoy a massage
- Many insurance policies include massage, so practicing this act of self-care may end up costing you very little or possibly - nothing!
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Join a yoga or fitness class
- You'll reap all the rewards of the extra movement, while reducing stress and boosting your feel good hormones.
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Invest in your creativity
- Enjoy a class in knitting, writing, scrapbooking, painting, pottery, or whatever suits your fancy. You'll receive the benefits and enjoyment of an activity and you may even make a new friend along the way.
Participating in acts of self-care are not to be confused with buying a new outfit or going on an extravagant vacation. Of course, new clothes need to be purchased from time-to-time and it's necessary to give yourself a 'time-out' from your busy schedule and relax on vacation. This is not the kind of self-care I'm referring to. It's easy to buy something new and say, 'I deserve it. I'm taking care of myself.' It's also equally as easy to use a vacation as your only act of self-care. These (and others like them) are only momentary and don't keep your well full for very long.
Instead, think about small things you can do everyday to care for yourself and fill yourself up. Consider going to bed on time; drinking plenty of water and choosing healthier food options; reading; journaling; exercising; meditating or praying, and so on.
Next, consider one bigger thing you can do once a week. If this feels over-whelming to you and it likely will in the beginning, commit to once a month. You might enjoy a massage or other spa treatment; meet up with a friend and go for a walk; join a running group, book club or other group that meets regularly. Try not to let this bigger thing be something you would normally do anyway, such as get a haircut or brow wax. While those examples could be put under the self-care category, you would do them anyways. Try to give yourself time to enjoy something else as well.
Self-care makes life fun.
If you're always going, being and doing, it's easy to forget to lighten up and find pleasure in your day. When you give yourself time to enjoy doing something that you love, that feeds your soul and fills you up, you're practicing self-care. It's you showing up for yourself and doing what You require. To be Your best self. This is not being selfish. In fact, it's selfish not to practice self-care.
What's your favourite way to practice self-care?
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