Whether we are conscious of it or not, the expectation we have for girls to be good.
We are a culture that is guilty of teaching, or perhaps a better word would be training, our girls to be ‘good little girls’.
Of course, we want our children (girls or boys) to understand the rules and to learn right from wrong, that’s not what I’m referring to. Still in the year 2017, there is an unspoken reality, of how a girl is supposed to behave. There is still a belief that when a girl honors and speaks her truth, that's she’s sassy or rude or outspoken. That when she knows who she is, when she owns her power and stands in it, she’s often seen as ‘thinking too much of herself’.
Since having our daughter, my husband and I often speak about this topic. It’s important to us what our daughter grows up believing about herself, as this belief will help create who she is in the world. We know that even though SO many women before us spent countless hours in the struggle for equal rights, that we still live in a culture that has some outdated ideas about women.
We also know that words have power. Therefore, we’ve made the conscious decision not to say, ‘Good girl,’ to her. In the beginning, this was a challenge. It’s a common, unconscious response that I’ve noticed most everyone uses when speaking to a little girl.....
She’s just learned to crawl. ‘Good girl, you’re crawling.’
She’s finished her meal and eaten most of it. ‘Good girl, you must have been hungry!’
She’s beginning to understand the concept of sharing and has just shared her toy with another child. ‘That’s nice sharing. Good girl!’
I could go on and on with examples. The point is that when we use the phrase, ‘Good girl,’ we are reinforcing our expectation (whether conscious of it or not) that she is to be, good. And there is a lot of weight that comes with that. The danger of this, is that she can easily become addicted to that phrase and that little girl can grow up into a woman who is plagued with the disease to please. Always unconsciously seeking to be, 'the good girl.’
And what does the adult good little girl look like?
She sits pretty in a room.
She says what she thinks others want to hear. Her own truth is suppressed, hidden under layers of trying to please.
A good girl is conscious not to ‘ruffle any feathers’.
She usually wears a continuous smile on her face, regardless of what she is feeling on the inside.
She lives her life doing the ‘right thing,’ whatever that means. Often someone else’s idea of how things should be.
Her desire is to be liked and she yeans to be validated.
A good girl carries with her someone else’s idea of who she is. Never having had the freedom or feeling the courage to define it for herself.
She is left feeling unfulfilled and unsatisfied in her life, without understanding why.
So many women are living with The Good Little Girl Syndrome. Always seeking and looking outside themselves to feel whole.
If I could mold and shape my daughter into what I want her to be she would be: brave; confident; speak her truth; and be grounded in courageous energy. She would be able to feel and acknowledge her feelings without apology. I would want her to be a kind, thoughtful, empowered and productive human being, who knows exactly who she is and isn’t afraid of owning it.
Of course, I know I can’t mold and shape her. After all, she’s not a piece of modeling clay! I have no idea who that soul is destined to become. What I do know is that I am committed to helping that soul flourish to its fullest potential. I know that I am committed to helping her blossom into all that she can be. It is my intention to model and teach her the qualities listed above. I hope that I don’t model and teach her how to be a good little girl. I hope that she feels the freedom to grow into all of her greatness. I'm certain that can't be done if she is always trying to be a 'good girl'.
I know I spent many years of my life feeling caged by the restrictions that being a good little girl feels. Always striving to fulfill the expectation that others had for me. Needing to seek their approval, in the same way an addict needs their fix. Then left with feelings of resentment inside that came out in unproductive ways, needing to escape. For many years, I had only a vague idea of who I was on the inside, while I was so busy portraying who others wanted or expected me to be, on the outside.
Thankfully I came to realize this reality. Thankfully I had the courage to heal layer by layer, allowing the good little girl within to be released. Leaving me with a feeling of freedom to just be Me.
I know many of you are living with The Good Little Girl Syndrome. Is it your time to begin the journey to releasing her and feeling the same freedom to just be You?
And a side note.....We've also stopped using the phrase, 'Good boy,' with our son as well. We know there's potential for little boys to grow up becoming a man, still seeking to be the good little boy. And of course, we are committed to helping his soul flourish to its fullest potential. It is our intention to provide him with the same freedom to grow into all his greatness as well.
